For 2018, I am counting down the 365 worst hadiths, ranked from least worst to absolute worst. This is our journey so far:
Table of Contents:
- Author's Message:
- Hadith 365: Muhammad’s “Unified Theory of Jinn”
- Hadith 364: Muhammad commands ablution after eating camel meat since “they are from the devils”
- Hadith 363: Muhammad receives revelation that he can sleep with anyone he wants + Aisha’s perfect response
- Hadith 362: Muhammad calls children playing with a black woman “devils”
- Hadith 361: Muhammad, a major slave-owner, gives tax benefits to slave ownership
- Hadith 360: Muhammad asks to be protected from the evil of his clothes
- Hadith 359: Muhammad says that Allah’s blessing is beamed from the sky into the dead center of your food. So do not, repeat DO NOT, start eating from the middle of your plate
- Hadith 358: Muhammad says that if you come home and catch your wife having sex with another man, do not stop them. Instead, gather four men to witness the sex
- Hadith 357: Muhammad says that a non-Muslim’s good deeds are worthless to Allah + The “huge fat man” analogy
- Hadith 356: Didn’t pay zakat? Allah, All-Compassionate and All-Merciful, will burn you alive with plates of fire heated in Hell—for what will seem like 50,000 years. But that’s not all…
- Hadith 355: Muhammad says that we are still at war with snakes. No peace treaty imminent
- Hadith 354: Allah gives you 100 points for killing a gecko. Fallout 2 gives you 135 points
- Hadith 353: No one goes to Heaven until the women of an extinct tribe worship an extinct idol
- Hadith 352: Muhammad teaches a beautiful prayer: “I seek refuge from the evil of my semen”
- Hadith 351: Muhammad says women in Heaven are as rare as a red-beaked crow
- Hadith 350: Islam: Having a mortgage = haram. Having a sex slave = halal
- Hadith 349: Muhammad says Angels curse any woman who denies her husband sex. Allah remains angry until husband is sexually pleased
- Hadith 348: Muhammad’s terrorist attack on a house of worship during Ramadan
- Hadith 347: Muhammad says Satan longs to sit on men’s hair buns—which are for the “buttocks of Satan”
- Hadith 346: Islamic honor code
- Hadith 345: Muhammad orders that you cannot, repeat CANNOT, put on a shoe while standing
- Hadith 344: Muhammad has OCD
- Hadith 343: Muhammad says Allah, the homophobe creator of the universe, will send all mannish women to Hell
- Hadith 342: Muhammad, an expert hydrologist, says water never becomes impure. Fukushima residents remain skeptical
- Hadith 341: Muhammad says (1) Satan is a musician who plays the bell, and (2) Muhammad receives the Revelation as the ringing of a bell. Hmmm
- Hadith 340: To teach a lesson about submitting to a leader, Muhammad highlights blacks as the lowest human form
- Hadith 339: Muhammad says nothing is more precious than praying against “the evil of sorceresses who blow incantations on knots”
- Hadith 338: Muhammad says black dogs are devils and should all be killed
- Hadith 337: Meet Muhammad’s black slave Anjasha + Women are like fragile glass (that you can beat)
- Hadith 336: Muhammad creates direct financial incentive to kill non-Muslims
- Hadith 335: Muhammad says the reason newborn babies cry is because they’re pricked by Satan
- Hadith 334: Muhammad says sun rises and sets over Satan’s head between his horns (and how to reconcile with a round Earth)
- Hadith 333: Muhammad says Jews envy Islam’s “salam” and “amen” (that Muhammad copied from Jews)
- Hadith 332: Muhammad teaches the proper way to beat your slave
- Hadith 331: Muhammad has woman breastfeed a grown man
- Hadith 330: Muhammad says different races come from different colored dirt
- Hadith 329: Muhammad says his black slave will be in Hell for stealing what Muhammad stole
- Hadith 328: Muhammad angry that dying man freed too many slaves. Stops four of the six slaves from freedom
- Hadith 327: The perks of being Muhammad’s child-bride
- Hadith 326: Man gets hit drinking wine, complains to Muhammad. Allah then bans alcohol to all of humanity for eternity
- Hadith 325: Muhammad says memorizing Quran is key to Heaven. Colossal waste of humanity’s brainpower ensues
- Hadith 324: Muhammad says Satan eats your food. Yes, human food
- Hadith 323: Muhammad says Allah—when He turned Jews into monkeys and pigs—made them infertile. So today’s monkeys and pigs are not, REPEAT NOT, descendants of Jews
- Hadith 322: Muhammad teaches words that, if recited seven times, will always cure a disease. Surprise, it doesn’t work
- Hadith 321: Islam: You are not related to your first cousin, but you are related to your nursemaid’s husband’s brother
- Hadith 320: Muhammad says angels pray for you unless you fart
- Hadith 319: Muhammad dreams of a black woman. Says she represents a traveling plague
- Hadith 318: Muhammad says if you touch your penis, you must rinse your mouth
- Hadith 317: Muhammad, “a mercy to the worlds,” refuses to wish mercy on non-Muslims
- Hadith 316: Muhammad says a woman can’t fast without husband’s permission. The reason is she needs to always be ready for sex
- Hadith 315: Muhammad says that girl’s urine is worse than boy’s urine
- Hadith 314: Muhammad annoyed with lingering guests. “Allah” immediately forbids guests from lingering and annoying him
- Hadith 313: Muhammad says buying a dog is as bad as prostitution
- Hadith 312: Muhammad says playing backgammon is like dipping your hand in the flesh and blood of a pig
- Hadith 311: Culture pioneer Muhammad says it is better to be filled with pus than with poetry
- Hadith 310: Muhammad tells men to fast—in order to repress their libido
- Hadith 309: Muhammad tells his own wife: “May you become barren and shaven-headed”
- Hadith 308: Muhammad, the homophobe prophet, says Muslims will face destruction if they accept gay relationships
- Hadith 307: Muhammad says Allah gives more blessings to the right side of the prayer row
- Hadith 306: Muhammad says that the virgins of Paradise wear 70 layers of see-through clothes
- Hadith 305: When entering the toilet, pray for Allah’s protection from toilet-prowling devils. After going to the toilet, pray for Allah’s forgiveness
- Hadith 304: Muhammad says a talking neck of Fire will terrorize artists on the Day of Judgment
- Hadith 303: “Why, don’t you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?”
- Hadith 302: Muhammad reveals laughable seven deadly sins of Islam. Includes fleeing the battlefield, sorcery and banking
- Hadith 301: Muhammad says Friday was always Allah’s commanded holy day. But Jews and Christians, apparently insane, told Allah they refuse to do Friday
Arab pagans believed in a separate civilization of invisible, mischievous creatures living on Earth called jinn, i.e., genies. Muhammad took this pagan belief and incorporated it into Islam.
Muhammad’s twist is that he incorporates two of his most hated animals—dogs and snakes—into the jinn species. Apparently, Allah had jinn miraculously cross a dimensional plane, transcend their “smokeless fire” nature, become visible and corporeal…only to become dogs and snakes.
Another possibility is that Muhammad made it all up.
So eating camel meat requires purification, but drinking camel urine, and all the toxins in it, does not.
This hadith is a perfect example of the arbitrariness of what Muhammad deems halal and haram. Ibn Taymiyya explains: “If a person performs wudu after eating camel meat, that will extinguish the satanic energy.” But then shouldn’t this “satanic energy” also be in the camel’s urine and milk (which Muhammad instructs us to drink and for which he requires no wudu)?
Of course, we all know the standard answer to Muhammad’s inconsistencies: “Allah knows best.”
In this hadith, Aisha gets her first inkling that Muhammad may be a charlatan. Muhammad records a remarkably self-serving revelation (Quran 33:51) from Allah. In His eternal message to mankind, Allah declares to humanity that:
Muhammad can marry any woman that offers herself to him, and
Muhammad can spend the night, i.e. have sex, with any wife he wants (rather than cycle through his wives in order)
Muhammad’s revelations are often exceptionally self-serving, and Aisha’s quote is perhaps the perfect summary of the science of Asbab al-Nuzul (reasons for revelation).
So Muhammad saw children innocently playing—the simple joy of childhood—and calls them devils. He also says that he saw invisible devil jinn playing along with them—the human and jinn devils all being led by a black woman.
His remark is unintelligent and malevolent.
And notice that whenever Muhammad says he sees jinn, i.e., genies, he reports it after the fact, as in this hadith after the jinn have already run away. This prevents anyone from saying to Muhammad, “Hey, where are these jinn you see? I don’t see anything.” (In fact, his jinn sightings are almost exclusively when he is alone.)
Fun fact: Despite zakat being Islam’s third pillar, there is no record of Muhammad ever paying it.
• Hadith #361: Sahih al-Bukhari 1464.
Sounds more like Jahiliyya superstition than prophethood.
And now millions of Muslims recite this dua after buying a new t-shirt. “O Grey T-shirt! Allahumma lakal…”
But what if I’m eating a donut?
This hadith highlights the lunacy of Allah’s requirement (Quran 24:4) that adultery needs four (male) witnesses.
The man in the hadith makes the excellent point that it is ridiculous that the husband should allow the other man to continue doing his wife—giving him time to finish the job—while the husband has to go out and find three more men to come to his house and serve as witnesses.
The Masked Arab highlights the insanity of it all in this excerpt from his [brilliant video] (https://web.archive.org/web/20181231011501/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2gZk0fCmyo).
Muhammad records that Allah, All-Compassionate and All-Merciful, ignores All non-Muslims’ good deeds. (Quran 18:105)
In this hadith, Muhammad emphasizes the point with an analogy of a weightless fat man. The fat man is a kafir fat with good deeds. His weightlessness is the worthlessness of those good deeds in Allah’s eyes.
Fun fact: Allah says five times in the Quran that He “hates” maqt or “does not love” la yuhibbu non-Muslims. (3:32, 22:38, 30:45, 35:39, 40:10) The Quran has more than 6,000 verses, and Allah not one single time says He loves mankind or the world, much less non-Muslims.
• Hadith #357: Sahih al-Bukhari 4729
…and then animals, furious that you didn’t pay zakat on them, will continuously trample, gore and bite you for what will seem like 50,000 years. (Somehow, I think camels will be far more furious that we mutilated and slaughtered them in archaic Islamic sacrifices than for not paying zakat tax on their value.)
So let this be a warning: Everyone should follow the example of al-Insan al-Kamil (the Perfect Man) and pay their zakat. Oh wait…
Fun fact: There is no record of Muhammad ever paying zakat. Even with Muhammad’s wealth that includes owning 100 sheep and 45 female camels (Zad al-Ma’ad 1/130), well above the nisab threshold, I am not aware of one, even weak, hadith in which Muhammad pays zakat.
In contrast, for each of the other four Islamic pillars, there are hundreds—if not thousands—of hadiths demonstrating Muhammad’s adherence to that pillar.
• Hadith #356: Sahih Muslim 987a (2290)
What f**king snake war? And how should we negotiate a peace treaty with the snakes?
By saying “since we have waged war with them” (harab really means “waged war” rather than just “fought”), Muhammad indicates that sometime in human history there were specific hostilities between humans and multiple snakes, and that fighting ceased but no peace treaty was negotiated.
Islamic scholars awkwardly try to tie this hadith into the story of Adam & Eve, but, problematically, there is no snake, much less snakes, in the Quranic or Hadith account of Adam & Eve.
Hasanas (Arab. pl: hasanaat) are merit points Allah gives you for doing good deeds. There are online calculators that let you keep track of your hasanas. A typical good deed will give you ten hasanas.
Allah made geckos, like all animals, as divinely perfect creations. But He really wants you to kill them. Thus, Allah gives you 100 hasanas if you kill a gecko on the first try, ten times more than a typical good deed.
The reality is that geckos, which Muhammad called fuqaisiq (noxious little creatures), were annoying pests to Muhammad. So he invented a story on how geckos were the only animals who did not try to extinguish a fire in which Abraham was thrown into (Nasai 2834). This gave Muhammad an excuse to call for their killing, despite their harmlessness.
• Hadith #354: Sahih Muslim 2240b (5847).
In Islam, the Hour (the End of the World) is necessary for anyone to get to Heaven. Until then the dead are stuck in their graves, conscious and sentient, in a period known as al-barzakh. (Jihadi martyrs are the exception because, upon dying, they immediately go to Heaven to fly around as green birds during al-barzakh.)
Muhammad has prophesied that the Hour, and thus Heaven, will not come until the women of Daws (a now extinct tribe) shake their butts while going around Dhul-Khalasa (a now obliterated idol).
Unless the tribe of Daws can be made un-extinct, either:
(1) the Prophet prophesied incorrectly, or
(2) no Muslim will ever get to Heaven
• Hadith #353: Sahih al-Bukhari 7116.
But my semen is compassionate and kind! ;)
By “semen,” Muhammad is referring to a man’s evil horniness. But what about the women? What should they recite? Women should say “I seek refuge in You from the evil of my han.” (Jami al-Usul 2413) Ibn al-Athir, the celebrated hadith lexicologist, explains han (thing) for this very hadith: “that is, the vagina.” (Al-Nihaya 5/278)
In the Hadith canon, a frequent teaching of Muhammad is that women are the majority in Hell and the minority in Heaven.
The scholar al-Sindi explains this particular hadith: “Few are those among them (women) who enter (Heaven), because this attribute (a red beak and feet) among crows is extremely rare.” (Sharh Musnad Ahmad 10/353)
I have a mortgage of 3%, which allowed me to buy a house for my young family, which has given us happiness, peace and safety that ten years ago I never thought I would attain. But Muhammad specifically curses me. Muhammad specifically asks that Allah withhold His blessings from me.
But you, Muhammad, you personally owned sex slaves and work slaves. You caused the enslavement of thousands in your lifetime. You caused the enslavement of tens of millions for the following 1,400 years. You murdered and stole from non-Muslims everywhere, poetically saying: “the keys of the treasures of the Earth have been given to me.”
Your entire contribution to economic theory was the development of an immoral theft and extortion economy. And now the entire Muslim world is unable to replicate your economic model, rejecting your command, preferring a functioning economy over your idiocy. And I should take financial guidance from you? And I should take any kind of guidance from you?
How dare you curse me, charlatan.
• Hadith #350: Sahih Muslim 1598 (4093)
Muhammad explains that Allah and his angels are very concerned that Muslim men are sexually satisfied, regardless of the wife’s desires.
Unfortunately, this hadith has serious fiqh implications. Every Islamic school of jurisprudence states that denying a husband sex, even for one night, is unlawful nushooz (disobedience) for which the husband may beat his wife (Quran 4:34).
Using physical violence to compel a woman to have sex. Is there a word for that? Oh yes. Rape.
Fun fact: While a woman may not deny her husband sex for one day, a man may deny his wife sex for four months (Quran 2:226).
• Hadith #349: Sahih Muslim 1436a, c (3538, 3540)
Muhammad ordered his men to attack Dhul-Khalasa, a house of worship for several tribes. Muhammad saw Dhul-Khalasa, a Yemeni temple, as a competitor to his Kaba in Mecca. His men attacked the house, set it on fire, and murdered everyone they found there. After the massacre, a happy Muhammad invoked blessings on his jihadis five times.
During the attack, in the spirit of “no compulsion in religion,” the lead jihadi told a man, “Break them (your divining arrows) and testify �?There is no god but Allah’ or else I will chop off your head!” Another jihadi told him that Muhammad himself would chop off his head.
This is blatant offensive jihad against people whose crime was refusing to convert to Islam. The attack on Dhul-Khalasa, initiated during Ramadan like so many other attacks (Battle of Badr, Conquest of Mecca, etc.), continues to serve as a terrorist template for jihadis today.
Fun fact: Muhammad said he is unique among the prophets because: “I have been made victorious with terror.” (Bukhari 2977).
An important Islamic tenet is that Satan is literally with you during prayer, trying to mess up your prayer. He urinates in your ear to make you miss prayer. He coaxes you into farting, which voids your prayer. He makes you forget how many prayer cycles you’ve done, hoping to make it a deficient prayer.
And he tries to sit on you during prayer…but only if you are a man…and only if your hair is in a bun. (Women are safe because their hair is covered.)
I would imagine it would be more comfortable for Satan to just sit on my shoulders during prayer. But apparently Satan is banking on me pulling my hair back so he can rest his ass on my hair bun. And Allah knows best.
It should be noted that the translation is a bit sanitized and is better translated as “That is (for) the buttocks of Satan.”
Every time you think Muhammad cannot set the bar any lower, he finds a way.
Mind you, a Muslim need expiate for breaking an oath. But that is so easy. And it does nothing to help the very person whose trust you just violated. Practically, it means giving a meal’s worth of food to ten needy people (Quran 5:89), and this doesn’t even need to be done all at once. And if you can’t afford that, you can simply fast for three daytimes.
This is a very small price for the power to break promises at will. In fact, if you don’t even want to risk that small price, Muhammad made a loophole that if you say Insha-Allah (if Allah wills) with any oath, you can break your promise without owing anything. (Tirmidhi 1531)
The bottom line is that Islam causes a Muslim’s word to be worth nothing.
It is remarkable the lengths that Muhammad goes to control a Muslim’s every physical movement and trait. I find this hadith goes beyond idiotic and enters the realm of sinister. When you control a person’s body, you can control a person’s mind.
But what do the greatest Islamic scholars of all time say about this "important" religious prohibition? Well, let us go to the most cited explanation of them all, written by the 10th century scholar al-Khattabi, who wrote a famous commentary on Sunan Abu Dawud.
It seems that perhaps he forbade putting on a shoe while standing because it is simple and easy to put it on while sitting. Perhaps this was the reason for his opposition to putting it on while standing, and ordering to do so while sitting, and with the aid of one’s hand ensuring it is done in a good way. And Allah knows best. Ma'alimus Sunan 4/203
Seriously? Muhammad cannot trust a Muslim to figure out how to put on a shoe.
Al-Albani’s comment regarding Abu Dawud 4135 is the clichéd response to anything ridiculous or illogical in Islam:
And Allah, the Exalted, knows best the wisdom for His law and its intentions. Al-Silsilah al-Sahihah no. 719
I love that how to put on a shoe is a divine "law."
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad explains that Allah, the creator of two trillion galaxies, worries about which of your feet gets to wear a shoe longer.
A more plausible explanation is that Muhammad’s words, as recorded in Sahih al-Bukhari’s all-important chapter One should take off the left shoe first, demonstrate that Muhammad has OCD.
Also see the amusing title of Chapter 41, directly after this hadith. (Available in the link below)
• Hadith #344: Sahih al-Bukhari 5856
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad—an extreme homophobe who repeatedly curses gays and asks Allah to deny His blessings to them—explains that Allah has targeted three people for Hell.
This list of three is remarkably petty and ignores how an individual treats others. What is further remarkable is Muhammad not only believes that Allah is a homophobe—already quite the empty trait to assign the profound creator of two trillion galaxies—but that Allah is so extraordinarily shallow in His homophobia that He will send a woman to Hell based on her appearance alone.
But what if instead of cuckolds, mannish women, and wine drinkers, Allah’s real Targeted-for-Hell list is:
Those who murder
Those who steal
Those who have sex with children
Be careful, Muhammad.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad, an expert hydrologist, explains that nothing makes water impure, that it’s safe and ideal to pour even the filthiest water over your face for ablution (wudu). There can be garbage in there. Menstrual rags. Rotting corpses. It doesn’t matter.
In Islam, Allah rejects your prayer unless you are ritually pure (tahir). If you urinate, defecate, fart, touch your penis, eat camel meat, sleep—all of that makes you impure (najis). To purify yourself and have your prayers accepted by Allah, you must perform wudu, which is to pour water over various parts of your body, also rinsing your mouth and nose.
Now just think of the preposterousness of this for a moment. You just had a nice dinner consisting of well-done, properly cooked camel meat. But per Islamic law, this has made you impure. And so to correct this, you take water steeped with a rotting dog corpse, with trillions of hazardous bacteria, and pour it on your face and, not only that, YOU RINSE YOUR MOUTH AND NOSE WITH IT.
So based on Muhammad’s wisdom, the residents of Fukushima, Japan can confidently rinse their mouths with local well water. And even if there were a radiation risk, would not the greater risk be that Allah rejects their prayers?
In the first of these glorious hadiths, Muhammad explains that Satan's preferred musical instrument is the bell. In multiple hadiths, Muhammad also mentions that, in contrast, angels are repulsed by bells. (Nasa’i 5224)
In the second of these glorious hadiths, Muhammad explains that the angel Gabriel delivers the Revelation to Muhammad as "the ringing of a bell." Wait a second. Muhammad, you said that angels are repulsed by bells. You said that “bells are the musical instruments of Satan.”
And so Gabriel delivers the Revelation to Muhammad in the angels’ most hated form, which is Satan’s most beloved form.
Obviously, the only logical Islamic answer is that Muhammad received the Revelation from Satan.
In this glorious and deservedly famous hadith, Muhammad achieves two goals:
He highlights blacks as the lowest human form to serve as a powerful contrast to a leadership archetype
He assigns an offensive physical stereotype to blacks, comparing them to dark, wrinkled fruit
This is not the only example of Muhammad using negative physical descriptors for non-Arabs. He describes Turks “as if their eyes are the pupils of locusts and as if their faces are hammered shields” or “shields coated with leather.” (Bukhari 2928, Ibn Majah 4099)
Muhammad’s Arab bias is also found in his preference for freeing Arab slaves. While blacks were obviously disproportionately enslaved compared to Arabs in 7th century Arabia (including by Muhammad himself), Muhammad nevertheless highlights in multiple hadiths the superiority of freeing Arabs. (Bukhari 2543, Abu Dawud 5077, note that the term “descendant of Ishmael” means an Arab)
While Muhammad’s clear goal was to have the entire world accept him as a prophet, he nevertheless clumsily exposes his racist, Arab-supremacist nature in multiple hadiths.
• Hadith #340: Sahih al-Bukhari 696
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad says regarding Sura al-Falaq (113), possibly the most idiotic sura in the entire Quran, that “You will never recite anything more precious before Allah.” Really Muhammad. In my entire life, I will never recite anything more precious than this:
Sura al-Falaq is a prayer Allah wrote for us to recite back to Him. In it:
I pray to be protected from evil witches who cast spells on me by making rope knots and blowing on them
I pray to be protected from the evil eye. In Islam, the evil eye is when someone looks at you enviously. You then become physically ill and can become totally incapacitated. To be cured, you have to take a special bath using water that the one who gave you the evil eye must first pour on himself. (Ibn Majah 3509)
Alhamdulillah! Islam has freed mankind from Jahiliyya superstition.
I do not have words.
I will simply share idiocy from the most revered Islamic scholar of all time, Sheikh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyya, who attributes the following statement to Muhammad:
The black dog is the Satan among dogs, and the jinn (i.e., genies) often appear in that form, and also in the form of black cats, because black is better able to harness Satanic power than other colors, and it intensifies heat. (Majmu al-Fatawa 19/52)
In this glorious hadith, we learn two important lessons:
Muhammad is a slaveholder. So owning slaves is Sunna
Muhammad believes women are like fragile glass, but still can be beaten
In his first 40 years of life as a pagan, Muhammad did not capture or buy one slave. After founding Islam, Muhammad became a proficient slaveholder, buying or capturing for his personal use over 30 slaves. (This number excludes his wives' slaves, plus the thousands of people enslaved through Muhammad’s jihad campaigns.)
To this day, it is jarring to me to think that Allah’s final prophet to the world, who Allah in his timeless message to mankind describes as “an exalted standard of character” (68:4), was a significant slaveholder.
And one of these slaves was Anjasha, a camel-driver. In this hadith, Muhammad tells Anjasha to ensure the camels don’t go too fast because the women riders are as weak and fragile as glass vessels.
Of course, as Allah tells us in the Quran (4:34), women are not too weak and fragile to escape a beating if they deserve one.
• Hadith #337: [Sahih al-Bukhari 6161] (https://web.archive.org/web/20181231011543/https://archive.org/stream/SahihAlBukhariVol.317732737EnglishArabic/Sahih%20al-Bukhari%20Vol.%208%20-%205970-6860%20English%20Arabic#page/n105/mode/1up)
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad gives jihadis the necessary financial incentive to kill non-Muslims on a large-scale.
In contrast to the previous scenario in which Muhammad took a 20% cut of all war booty, a jihadi can now keep all the personal belongings of the non-Muslim he murders. Every school of Islamic jurisprudence endorses this concept, with the approval of the relevant leader recommended if not required.
In this particular hadith, Muhammad's financial incentive inspired Abu Talhah to kill twenty infidels at the Battle of Hunayn, thus
stealing divinely earning twenty people's property.
And in recognition of Muhammad’s contributions to the development of a murder and theft-based economy, I appeal to the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences to award a Nobel Prize in Economics posthumously.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad shines his light on medicine and science.
Unfortunately, Muhammad was ignorant about everything scientific, and so he believed that the crying of a newborn was a negative thing. And thus he attributed a newborn’s crying to his favorite scapegoat: Satan.
But medical science has proven the benefit of a newborn's crying. It increases pulmonary blood flow. It clears the lung of amniotic fluid. It increases pulmonary air pressure, allowing normal breathing to take place. It also triggers the mother’s own nurturing reflex, ensuring the baby’s welfare.
So this leads to only one of two possibilities:
Satan is beautifully sustaining humankind
Muhammad is wrong
It should be noted that two humans have successfully escaped Satan’s pricking: Mary and her son Jesus. In the case of Jesus, Satan tried to prick Jesus but could only get at his placenta. (Bukhari 3286)
Seriously Muhammad, do you put any thought into this or do you just make stuff up on the fly?
• Hadith #335: Sahih Muslim 2366a (6133)
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad explains that the sun rises (and sets) between the horns of Satan.
This is literal. What specifically occurs is that in the morning, when the sun rises, the sun is directly above the head of Satan, sandwiched between Satan’s horns. The same occurs at sunset every day. Muhammad, always looking to denigrate non-Muslims, links non-Muslims’ prostration at such times as prostrating to Satan. (Muslim 832)
Muhammad thinks the world is flat and has no idea that the sun is always simultaneously rising and setting. And so in his eyes, it seems plausible that the sun rises and sets once around Satan and everyone sees the same thing.
But just imagine for a moment what it takes for Muhammad to be correct in our round earth world. (And let any scientist contribute here.)
As a premise, Satan needs to be on the Earth. You can’t have Satan in the sky, much less in space, otherwise he could be seen with the sun during Islamic prayer times, in conflict with the Hadith
But just Satan by himself won’t work because of everyone’s different position on the meridian. Satan would need a huge army of horned devils that look like him, positioned in one giant vertical circle across the entire planet
This army of horned devils would have to travel at 1,000 mph westward, with each devil going slower the closer they are to the Poles—all in perfect sync like a marching band
But then devils aren’t supposed to be doing this all day. They’ve got stuff to do. Sit on men’s hair buns. Hang out in people’s noses. Prick babies, etc. So there must be many armies of horned devils working different shifts (twice-daily to be consistent with the hadith)
And this would have to continue day and night, forever and ever
Or Muhammad could have made it all up.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad highlights Jewish envy for Islamic customs, a rather bold claim considering Jews not only practice these customs, they invented them.
So why are the Jews envious? Sheikh Abdul-Ghani writes in Inhah al-Hajah, his commentary on Sunan Ibn Majah:
Perhaps the reason for their envy is because these two customs are fundamental to them (Muslims). And they (Jews) do not practice these two customs in order that they need not despond and imitate the people of Islam.
So Jews didn’t want to recite their own traditions because they would be copying Muslims, and that would make them sad.
I can only imagine how offensive this is to Jews. Islam’s as-salaam alaikam is simply a copy of Judaism’s shalom eleichum greeting, which was in use for hundreds of years prior to Islam, as it is today.
And with amen, is the Abrahamic Prophet Muhammad so ignorant about the Hebrew Bible that he doesn’t realize amen appears over twenty times in it? Amen has always been a regular component of Jewish communal prayer, and it is a main feature of the shemoneh esrei prayer, which dates well before Islam.
This hadith is another example of Muhammad creating a story to denigrate non-Muslims. In yesterday’s Hadith, it was a story about the sun rising with Satan in order to denigrate polytheists. Today, it is a story about nonsensical envy to denigrate Jews.
Al-Bukhari records this hadith on proper beating in his book on proper Muslim manners.
Muhammad, a slave-master, is clear about slave ownership:
You are allowed to buy slaves
You are allowed to capture slaves
You are allowed to beat slaves
You are not allowed to hit slaves’ faces or beat slaves “unreasonably”
This is canonized in Islamic law for eternity, and, per Muhammad, “Islam is superior and nothing is superior to it.” (Daraqutni 3620)
Is there truly no superior option than Muhammad’s eternal slavery laws?
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad instructs a woman to breastfeed a grown man.
The reason Muhammad had the woman breastfeed the grown man was to create a mahram (unmarriageable) relationship between the man and the woman. In Islam, if a woman (e.g., a nursemaid) breastfeeds a boy who isn’t her son, they become mahram just like a mother and son.
The background of this hadith:
At an age unknown to us, a boy, Salim, was adopted by Sahla and Abu Hudhayfa. A grown Salim would still visit his adoptive parents. When Muhammad recorded a revelation that Allah doesn’t consider an adopted son a true son (Quran 33:5, this relates to Muhammad wanting to marry his adopted son’s ex-wife), that removed the mahram relationship between Salim and his adoptive mother.
So now whenever Salim would visit his adoptive parents, his adoptive dad would get upset because a non-mahram man was visiting his wife. Muhammad then instructed Sahla to breastfeed Salim to recreate the mahram relationship.
So even though Salim is old enough to have a beard, Muhammad still had him suckle his adoptive mom’s breasts in order for Salim to freely visit her without her having to be veiled.
And this is the wisdom of Muhammad.
Fun fact: This hadith was used as the basis of a famous 2007 fatwa stating a woman could suckle her male colleague, and in that way, they could more easily work together.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad explains the origin of different races. And, surprise, it’s not melanin levels adapting to different geography and UV radiation levels. It’s different colored dirt.
Muhammad helpfully adds that people’s different personalities and morality are also caused by different dirt.
It’s as if Muhammad prophesied the Nobel Prizes for sciences and was committed that no Muslim ever win.
Fun fact: There are 678 Nobel Laureates in the sciences and medicine. Three are Muslim. Thanks Muhammad.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad highlights one of the major sins in Islam: ghulul (stealing from war spoils), which Muhammad says results in Hell. (Ibn Majah 2850)
Of course the irony is that Muhammad:
In blatant offensive jihad, attacked the Jews of Khaibar at night
Killed their men and took their women and children as captives
Stole their property
Took an ongoing, extortive 50% cut of the harvests from Jews willing to stay
And Muhammad actually thinks after the horror of the above, he is going to the highest level of Heaven—but that his slave Midam, who took one cloak, is going to Hell.
A nice touch to the hadith is the whiny narrator Abu Hurairah who has the gall to say, “we did not get any spoils of war except for wealth, goods and clothes.” As if that is not enough.
Muhammad: Don’t steal what I stole!
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad stops a man from freeing all his slaves upon his death. Muhammad believes it more important that the man’s heirs get inheritance than the slaves get freedom.
While there is no such limitation in the Quran, Muhammad believes one-third is the maximum one can leave for charity at death. (Bukhari 5659)
The apologetics of this hadith are that Muhammad does not want heirs left lacking (not that any assessment of the heirs' true needs was done in this case).
But the bottom line is this: Muhammad, and thus Islam, values the wealth of heirs more than the freedom of slaves.
And I know, at the foundation of my very being, that is wrong.
In this glorious hadith, thanks to Aisha’s hard work, we learn that semen—unlike urine, blood, flatulence—is tahir (ritually pure).
And no, you filthy kafirun, do not envision a scenario causing Muhammad to have semen stains on his clothes from young Aisha—a girl with whom he did not have penetrative sex the first three years of marriage (ages six through nine).
Anyway, back to the important legal issue at hand. Semen is pure only if you subscribe to the Hanbali or Shafii madhhabs (schools of Islamic jurisprudence). The Hanafis believe that semen is a mild impurity for which a good scraping suffices. The Malikis stubbornly maintain that semen is najis (impure).
This is genuinely an important hadith in fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) and is usually mentioned in any discussion on ritual purity and bodily fluids. It is important because Aisha’s scratching away at an impure substance, it is argued, would never qualify as proper cleaning. That Muhammad prays with these residual semen stains proves semen is pure.
And so now Muslim men wearing semen-stained clothes can be confident Allah will accept their prayers (unless they’re Malikis).
Thank you Aisha for your hard work to teach us Allah’s Law.
In this glorious hadith, we learn the science of Asbab al-Nuzul (reasons for revelation). The alcohol ban is a classic example of how Allah reveals His eternal message to mankind:
Step 1. Something happens to Muhammad
Step 2. In response, Allah reveals a verse to Muhammad giving Muhammad what he wants
Step 3. Rinse and repeat. Abrogate when necessary
As Aisha perfectly said, “I feel that your Lord hastens in fulfilling your wishes and desires.” (Hadith 363)
Allah, who has predestined everything, wavered for a few years on what His Law on alcohol would be (see 2:219, 4:43). But after Muhammad heard about the drunken fight, Allah decided on a complete prohibition (5:90-91).
This revelation is even worse than usual because it is obvious Muhammad already planned on completely banning alcohol. (The Battle of Uhud's drinking jihadis may have been the final straw.) He was simply waiting for the right excuse. The drunken fight gave him that excuse. He even gave a warning to Muslims:
“O people, Allah is hinting about wine, and perhaps He will reveal something about it, so whoever has any of it, let him sell it and benefit from it.” It was not long before the Prophet said, “Allah has forbidden wine.” (Muslim 1578)
So Allah reveals his eternal message to mankind by first giving Muhammad “hints,” allowing Muslims to make some sinful coin first.
In this glorious hadith, we learn that memorizing the Quran is key to advancing in Heaven.
Now some may think that Quran memorization is perhaps the greatest waste of human brainpower imaginable. And some may even think that it is causally linked to Muslims’ embarrassingly low number of Nobel Prizes in the sciences and medicine (3 of 678 Laureates).
But Nobel Prizes matter not when we're talking about reaching al-Firdaws (highest level of Heaven).
What specifically happens is this: On the Day of Resurrection, Muslims will get to prove their Quran memorization skills to Allah. And the more Quran they can recite to Allah, the higher the Paradise level granted by Him.
Al-Khattabi writes in his commentary on Sunan Abu Dawud:
It is said in the report that the number of verses in the Quran equals the number of levels in Paradise, and it will be said to the reciter: “Rise up the levels to the extent you used to recite verses of the Quran.” Whoever recites all of the Quran will reach the highest level of Paradise, and whoever recites part of it will reach a level commensurate with that. The limit of his reward will match the limit of his reciting. (Ma'alimus Sunan 1/289-90)
So just imagine if you can recite all the way to the Mu'awwadhatain, the final two chapters of the Quran. If you can get that far, reciting about the evil eye and evil sorceresses who blow magic spells on knots (113:4-5)—why, just imagine what your house in Heaven will be made of. (Ibn Majah 1997)
In this glorious hadith, we learn that Satan is like a bad roommate, always tagging along with us, eating our food. Elsewhere, we learn that Satan eats this food specifically with his left hand. (Muslim 2019)
If it (food morsel) falls in an impure place and has been made impure, it must be washed if possible, if it cannot be fed to an animal, and do not leave it for Satan, which proves that there are Satans and that they eat. (Sharh Sahih Muslim 13/204)
Ibn Hajar writes:
And that Satan eats is a fact. It is not for our intellect to reject that, and it is already proven from the report with no need for interpretation. (Fath al-Bari 9/522)
Now, were all this true, Satan would be enormously helpful, cleaning up after my mess. But I have learned Satan ignores even my most delicious bastilla.
As an aside, we also learn from this hadith that the blessing Allah beams down from the sky into the center of our food (Hadith 359), does not necessarily permeate all of our food. We must therefore be vigilant to lick all the food off our fingers, for that may be where Allah's blessing hides.
• Hadith #324: Sahih Muslim 2033d (5303)
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad addresses the issue of monkeys and pigs we see today. Are they descendants of Jews?
Background: Allah explains in the Quran (5:60) that at one point He got so angry with Jews that He transmuted some into monkeys and pigs. While it seems that such an extraordinary, stupefying incident would have made it into Jewish scripture, all the proof we need is that it’s in the Quran.
But this begs the question: Are the monkeys and pigs we see now descendants of Jews? Muhammad answers this question with no. Allah made the transmuted Jews infertile.
Muhammad’s statement “Monkeys and pigs existed before that” means that it is the non-transmuted animals who are the ancestors of current monkeys and pigs.
Muhammad’s hatred of the Jews is extraordinary. That is why he is recorded as saying “May Allah kill/destroy the Jews” five times in Sahih al-Bukhari (437, 2223, 2224, 2236, 4633) for allegedly selling animal fat and building temples where prophets are buried.
(Note: All three English Bukhari translations sanitize قَاتَلَ اللَّهُ الْيَهُودَ by mistranslating it as “May Allah curse the Jews.”)
• Hadith #323: Sahih Muslim 2633c (6772)
In this glorious hadith, we learn that, in order to cure someone from a disease, all a Muslim need do is recite these words seven times, and Allah will always cure the person.
The hadith is crystal clear. Unless the person is at the throes of death, Allah will cure the person if a Muslim recites this supplication seven times.
In my extended family, I have people who are suffering from diabetes, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, cystic fibrosis, and bronchiectasis. We have tried this supplication. It does not work. Muhammad was wrong.
At what point do Muslims hold Muhammad accountable for his false statements?
In this glorious hadith, Aisha highlights the insanity of Islam’s “relations through breastfeeding.“
In the hadith, Aisha thought she should not allow someone unrelated (a non-mahram, i.e. marriageable) to visit her, particularly because she was not wearing the hijab. But Muhammad explains that it is fine because she and the man are related, as he is Aisha’s “paternal uncle through breastfeeding.”
Aisha intelligently retorts, “It is the woman who breastfed me, not the man.” (Muslim 1445b (3572)) It is an excellent point because none of the man’s biological material is even in the milk. But, per Islam, because it is the husband’s semen that ultimately triggered the lactation, the child and the nursemaid’s husband are related. Yes, really.
In contrast, a woman is not related to her biological first cousin for mahram purposes, and she has to wear the hijab around her first cousin. But marrying your first cousin, as did Muhammad with Zainab bint Jahsh, has well-documented negative health effects on the children.
And despite Allah clearly knowing first cousin marriages are unhealthy for the children, He permits such marriages as recorded by Muhammad in the Quran (4:23).
It is just so stupid. How can the Creator of the Universe be the author of something so stupid?
• Hadith #321: Sahih Muslim 1445j (3580). See also all hadiths within Sahih Muslim 1445.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad explains that when a Muslim prays, the angels pray for forgiveness and mercy for the Muslim—unless the Muslim farts.
In the hadith, the angels pray when you are in the musalla (prayer room), which in this case may be anything from a musalla al-bayt (prayer room in the house) to a public mosque.
The angels recognize that Allah should not grant mercy and forgiveness to a farter, even though it is Allah Himself who designed farting.
No doubt, the Messenger of Allah understands the priorities of Allah, the Creator of Two Trillion Galaxies.
• Hadith #320: Sahih al-Bukhari 445
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad dreams of a black woman with unkempt hair, and he determines that she represents a traveling plague.
In other news, ex-Muslims interpret Muhammad’s dream of a black woman with unkempt hair, and they determine that she represents the origin of the human race.
• Hadith #319: Sahih al-Bukhari 7039
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad explains that if a man touches his penis, even accidentally, Allah will reject his prayers until he performs wudu (ablution).
Wudu involves pouring water on various parts of your body up to three times. You must also rinse your mouth and nose with water.
So there are two options. It is up to each Muslim to decide which is more likely:
The Creator of Two Trillion Galaxies rejects all prayers from men who accidentally touch their penis until they wash their feet
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad, “a mercy to the worlds” (Quran 21:107), refuses to say "May Allah have mercy on you" to Jews who sneeze.
He did not say to them, “May Allah have mercy on you,” because mercy is only for the believers. Instead, he called them to improve their state, which is that they be guided and enabled to believe (in Islam). (Mirqat al-Mafatih 8/534)
And if non-Muslims do not deserve Allah’s mercy, why should they deserve the mercy of Muslims? And, in fact, they don't. Allah specifically instructs Muslims to be unmerciful to non-Muslims.
Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, and those who are with him are severe against disbelievers, and merciful among themselves. (Quran 48:29)
The hate is breathtaking.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad makes sure that women are always available for sex.
As sex is forbidden during fasting, a woman must make sure she has permission from her husband before doing a voluntary fast (Ramadan fasting is, of course, obligatory for everyone).
The significance of “when he is at home” is that if the husband is not home he obviously cannot have sex with his wife. Permission for fasting is thus not needed if he is traveling.
Per every school of Islamic jurisprudence, the reason for a permission requirement is because the husband’s right to have sex with his wife at any time is law, and it may not be dispensed with for the purpose of a non-obligatory religious act (such as a voluntary fast by the wife).
This is based on voluntary and recommended fasts for which there is no specific time. The prohibition implies that it is haram. The reason for that is that the husband has the right to enjoy it (his wife) on all days, and his right must be responded to immediately and not missed because of a voluntary fast or an obligatory fast that could be done another time. (Sharh Sahih Muslim 7/115)
IslamQA has an enlightening article (Fatwa 50732) addressing why, conversely, a man doesn’t need permission from the wife for a voluntary fast.
In this glorious hadith, after having his clothes urinated on by his grandson, Muhammad teaches that girl's urine is worse than boy's urine.
So why is girl's urine worse?
Ibn Uthaymin writes:
If it is said, “What is the reason why the urine of a boy who is not eating food is sprinkled and not washed like the urine of a girl?” The answer is that the reason is that this is what is prescribed in the Sunnah, and that is sufficient reason. (Sharh al-Mumti 1/437-38)
While this standard “We must blindly follow Muhammad” explanation doesn’t cut it for me, the explanation given by Imam Shafii—of the Shafii madhhab—is more than I could ever dream for:
Narrated Abul-Yaman al-Misri:
I asked Shafi'i about the Hadith of the Prophet, "Water should be sprinkled over the urine of a baby boy, and the urine of a baby girl should be washed," when the two types of water (urine) are the same. He said, "This is because the urine of the boy is of water and clay, but the urine of the girl is of flesh and blood." Then he said to me: "Did you understand?" I said: "No."
He said: "When Allah the Most High created Adam, He created Eve from his short rib, so the boy's urine is from water and clay, and the girl's urine is from flesh and blood." Then he said to me: "Did you understand?" I said: "Yes." He said: "May Allah cause you benefit from this." (Ibn Majah 525)
As long as I live, I will never forget when Imam Shafii went full crazy in explaining Muhammad's crazy.
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad gets annoyed with lingering guests at his wedding banquet. So, the Creator of the Universe immediately reveals to all of humanity in His final and eternal message to mankind (Quran 33:53):
When you are invited for dinner at Muhammad’s, don’t come early
After the meal is over at Muhammad’s, don’t linger and talk
It annoys Muhammad when you do this, but Muhammad’s not going to complain
But Allah will complain, so stop annoying Muhammad
Muhammad’s wives can never remarry
Throwing in how Muhammad’s wives can't remarry was a nice touch. All nine of his surviving wives died childless because of this.
Many of Muhammad’s revelations are remarkably self-serving. See Hadith 363 for instance.
But even for Muhammad, this revelation is embarrassingly frivolous and selfish, further discrediting the Quran.
• Hadith #314: Sahih al-Bukhari 4791
In this glorious hadith, Muhammad equates buying a dog with prostitution.
As it's been medically proven that dogs improve one’s health, and Muhammad forbids them, I can therefore assume two things:
Muhammad is a charlatan
Fortunetelling and prostitution may also be good for me
In this glorious hadith, we learn that playing backgammon is as bad as dipping your hand in the flesh and blood of a pig.
Mind you, this analogy is merely for playing backgammon. For betting while playing, there is another analogy involving eating pig. (Al-Adab al-Mufrad 1277)
Background: Nardashir, the term used in the hadith, is a Persian game nearly identical to current backgammon. The game uses two dice, and al-nard in Arabic came to mean both the game nardashir and the dice (or die) used. Current scholars typically extend the ban on backgammon as a ban on all games using dice.
Merely playing backgammon is considered a kabira (major sin) by some. So why is it so bad? No one is sure. I do not know of any hadith in which Muhammad gives a reason.
Scholars typically suggest one of two reasons:
It is often gambled on
It is frivolous
To support the case that backgammon is frivolous, scholars often cite a hadith in which Muhammad says there are only three worthwhile recreational activities (Ibn Majah 2811):
Shooting arrows (jihad)
Training your horse (jihad)
Having sex with your wife (making jihadis)
In this moving and inspirational hadith, culture pioneer Muhammad tells Muslims that pus is better than poetry.
In another hadith, Muhammad says that this better-than-poetry pus even corrodes one’s stomach:
If the belly of one of you were to be filled with pus that corrodes it, that would be better than him being filled with poetry. (Muslim 2258)
Muhammad hated anything that could challenge Islam (such as u/RavanKiani’s poems) or divert Muslims from Islamic thoughts, and so he hated poetry. Muhammad's message in this hadith is that there should be nothing outside of Islam entering a Muslim's mind.
Muhammad eventually discovered that he could weaponize poetry to lampoon non-Muslims, and so he had poets create "Islamic poetry."
One of my favorite Islamic poems comes from Muhammad’s poet Hassan bin Thabit, who was reciting on the Muslims’ attack of Banu al-Nadir, where the Muslims’ burned down their trees as a terror tactic:
It was easy for the nobles of Banu Lu’ayy,
To burn Al-Buwayrah with sparks flying everywhere. (Muslim 1746b)
So peaceful. So beautiful.
• Hadith #311: Sahih al-Bukhari 6154
In this enlightened hadith, Muhammad thinks men are so lascivious and incapable of self-control that they should physically weaken their bodies in order to sexually restrain themselves.
Of course Muhammad is most likely projecting unto all men his own inability for self-control.
Unfortunately, Islamic law is based on the presumption that Muslim men cannot be expected to exert basic self-control. And that is why men are legally entitled to sex from their wives at any given moment, for which the punishment for nushooz (disobedience) is a beating. (Quran 4:34)
• Hadith #310: Sahih al-Bukhari 1905
In this disturbing hadith, Muhammad tells his wife Safiyya: "Aqra halqa" (May you become barren and shaven-headed).
What was Safiyya’s transgression? She menstruated at an inconvenient time for Muhammad.
Aqra halqa is an offensive remark meant “for insulting women.” It is said to a woman who is “sinister and harmful.” And while aqra on its own can mean “barren,” the classical Arabic dictionaries I have consulted (10+) state that aqra, in the context of this specific insult, means asking that the woman be harmed or killed.
Halqa, in the context of this insult, can mean “shaven-headed” or “having your throat harmed.” Together, aqra halqa can also mean asking for the woman’s “demise/death.” (Ibn Abbad’s Al-Muhit fil Lughah, 168)
This hadith appears six times in Sahih al-Bukhari (1561, 1762, 1771, 1772, 5329, 6157), and yet all three English translations of Sahih al-Bukhari fail to translate it, keeping it in Romanized Arabic.
The Khan translation’s disingenuous glossary “definition” of aqra halqa is: “It is just an exclamatory expression, the literal meaning of which is not meant always. It expresses disapproval.”
And yet it is the concealment itself, carried out by the Muslim translators of Sahih al-Bukhari, that is a testament to the wrongfulness of Muhammad’s vile insult to his own wife.
How low are Muslims willing to set the bar for judging the Perfect Man’s behavior?
• Hadith #309: Sahih Muslim 1211ag (3228)
In this glorious hadith of intolerance, Muhammad says the acceptance of gay relationships will lead to the destruction of the entire Muslim nation.
And in such a case, the only hope for the ummah’s survival is if Muslims do not also wear silk shirts.
Sometimes the stupidity is breathtaking.
As every Muslim knows, Muhammad loves the right side and hates the left side. That is why he has something ignoble, like wiping one’s butt, done with one’s left hand, but has something noble, like slave ownership, as being what “one's right hand possesses.”
In this wise hadith, Muhammad explains that, in the mosque, Allah and His angels give their blessings to the right side of the prayer rows.
While the hadith’s phrasing implies that the right side is the side that receives blessings and not the left, all the sharhs (hadith commentaries) I have read state that the left side of the row also receives blessings, just fewer. It is simply too ridiculous to take the hadith at its apparent meaning.
This hadith also touches on how Muhammad makes luck a significant part of Islamic prayer.
In most cases, the luck component is Muhammad’s tactic to get Muslims to pray more (e.g., the more raffle tickets you buy, the more likely you’ll win):
Do you time your amin with when the angels say it? Then Allah will forgive all your previous sins
Do you give a dua at just the right unknown time on Friday? Then Allah will give you what you ask for
Do you guess correctly which night Laylat al-Qadr is? Then Allah will give you close to 30,000x (1,000 months) the reward for those prayers
Do you wake up and pray at just the right time in the middle of the night when Allah descends to the lowest heaven? Then Allah will grant your wishes, answer your calls and forgive your sins
And now, do you happen to be on the right side of the prayer row? Then Allah will give you extra blessings. (The absolute dream position is to be on the right side in the front row. Ibn Majah 997)
Muhammad accomplishes two things through this description:
First, by having the houris wear 70 layers of clothing, he appeals to the importance Islam places on covering up women.
Second, by having the clothes see-through, allowing Muslim men to see their full-breasted (Quran 78:33) houris naked, Muhammad appeals to the importance Islam places on men’s sexual gratification.
It should be noted that with human women, men can see only their naked skin. But because houris are so pure and transparent, like a ruby (Quran 55:58), men can see through houris’ flesh all the way to the bone. This is a common description of houris throughout the Hadith canon.
Also, the two houris mentioned in this and other hadiths is typically seen by scholars as the bare minimum a Muslim man will have in Paradise (Muslim 188), with seventy-two typically considered the maximum (Tirmidhi 1663).
Muhammad, an expert puppeteer, knows exactly how to pull the strings of young men.
In these glorious hadiths, we first learn the important lesson that devils hang around toilets and that we need to seek Allah’s protection from them. (See also Abu Dawud 6.)
We then learn that when exiting the toilet we must seek Allah’s forgiveness. But forgiveness for what? There is no obvious answer.
Whenever I think of needing forgiveness after going to the toilet, I think of Joey Chestnut the afternoon of July 4.
But I have read three explanations for why Muhammad seeks Allah's forgiveness:
Because it is makruh (disliked) if not haram (forbidden) to mention Allah in the toilet, we seek forgiveness afterward for not remembering Him. (So we must ask forgiveness to Allah for obeying Allah?!) (Al-Khattabi, Ma'alimus Sunan 1/22)
The whole process of eating, digestion and defecation is so wonderful, we can never give sufficient thanks to Allah for it, and so we ask Allah for forgiveness for our insufficient thanks (Al-Khattabi, Ma'alimus Sunan 1/23)
Going to the toilet reminds us of sinning, and so we ask forgiveness for our remembered sinning (Ibn Uthaymin, Majmu Fatawa wa Rasa'il 11/107)
None of those reasons strike me as credible. I suspect that Muhammad was simply asking forgiveness for doing an impure hadath asghar (defecation, urination, farting).
And Allah knows best.
In this glorious hadith, we learn of the doom awaiting artists on the Day of Judgment. This is the day when the dead are resurrected from their tailbones, and Allah sends everyone to either Heaven or Hell.
On this day, fire from Hell will form into the shape of a talking neck with eyes, ears and a tongue. This talking Hellfire will let tyrants, polytheists and artists know who will be their dominator in Hell. (As an aside, in Islamic theology Hell is a sentient talking being.)
Muhammad believes that artists are some of the most evil people in the world. He believes that they are not merely trying to depict what they draw or make—but rather artists are trying to recreate Allah’s creations—and that is a huge sin.
In Islam, artists are put in the same category as tyrants.
In Islam, a jihadi who gives the world bloodshed goes to Heaven, and an artist who gives the world beauty goes to Hell.
In this noble hadith, Muhammad, an “exalted standard of character,” reveals what he finds important in selecting a lifetime partner, a wife:
★ Fondling a young girl
• Hadith #303: Sahih al-Bukhari 5080
In this momentous hadith, Muhammad reveals Islam's seven deadly sins.
Oops, Muhammad forgot about atheists
Sorcery isn’t real
“Do not kill” with a big asterisk (non-Muslims, gays, apostates, adulterers excluded)
Riba is any interest. I’m committing a deadly sin earning 1% in my savings account
I agree. Stealing from an orphan is wrong. Instead, how about a general “Do not steal”
Of course there has to be one on jihad
This relates to Aisha. How about a general “Do not slander.” Even better, “Do not lie”
“Or do they say, ‘He has fabricated it’? Say, ‘Then produce seven deadly sins like it.’”
Murder (so so many)
Slavery (30+ slaves)
Rape (4 sex slaves)
Thievery (caravan raids)
Child molestation (Aisha)
Animal brutality (Medina dog massacre)
In this illuminating hadith, Muhammad explains that Friday isn’t some “leftover�? holy day that the Muslims took. Friday was always Allah’s favorite day.
But then why isn’t it the holy day of the Jews or Christians?
Muhammad’s answer: Allah specifically ordered the Jews and Christians to make it their holy day. But Jews and Christians, apparently totally insane, refused to obey Allah on which day of the week will be holy for Allah.
Muhammad’s explanation is implausible and reeks of insecurity. If I am worshipping Allah, who has the power to eternally torture me, and Allah tells me to take Friday as a holy day, I’m going to do it. I’m not going to say, “Nah, I’m not doing Friday, Allah. I’m only doing Saturday or Sunday.�?
It is remarkable the ease at which Muhammad fabricates stories that degrade others—in order to build up himself and Islam.
As an aside, it’s strange how my mind once worked. I believed that Allah’s prophet could be a murderer, but only a charlatan could be a liar. And Muhammad’s lying, especially when used to degrade non-Muslims, was one of the early cracks in the wall for me.
Sometimes evil is subtle.
• Hadith #301: Sahih al-Bukhari 876