Today I regret
My friend was swearing by Allah, as he wanted me to believe that Love had him in its grip and that he was powerless to resist.
While I was abusing him and telling him not to swear by Allah for his HARAM Love.
But he kept on swearing, while I threatened him that either his love would end, or our friendship would end.
And his LOVER was himself unaware of my friend's love. He perhaps didn't even know about the existence of my friend. It was completely a one-sided love.
Still my friend was thinking only about him.
And then he made the further mistake of trusting a religious person like me to be his friend and told me about his love
Alas, why was I unable to feel his loneliness? And I made him even lonelier.
Now I feel as if I killed him alive. He didn't tell anyone else after me.
I saw him falling ill in love. I saw him being admitted to the hospital.
Still, I felt no sympathy for him. I didn't even visit him.
Perhaps, pity did stir inside, but my religious devoutness took hold of me. And my humanity, it did hide.
When doctors didn't understand the illness, they recommended sending him to another place for a change.
His family first sent him to another city to the relatives. After some time, I heard he went to Canada.
But I am standing here today along with my regrets.
But perhaps not.
Today when I don't feel disgusted any more when I see these loving birds, and when best wishes automatically come out of my heart for them,
then I feel as if my regrets are perhaps being washed away,
But tears still come to my eyes
I perhaps unburdened my heart from regrets, but I didn't unburden the heart of my friend when he needed me the most.
***
Lesson:
When I left Islam and became an atheist, I still felt a strong dislike for homosexuality. This feeling came from the way religion had taught me, with stories that compared homosexuality to terrible things, like having sex with close family members.
Even after reading a lot and learning that homosexuality is not a choice, my feelings didn’t change right away. It took me years to fully get rid of this dislike, which I now understand was caused by religious teachings from my childhood.
Many ex-Muslims face similar struggles. For example, they may find it hard to eat pork or non-Halal chicken, even though they no longer believe in the rules that make these foods forbidden. This is similar to how some atheists in Western countries might feel uncomfortable eating snakes or insects because their culture taught them it’s disgusting.
The important lesson I learned is this: we should not let religious people brainwash children for the sake of humanity. It creates feelings and beliefs that can take years to undo, even when a person no longer believes in the religion.
Hassan Radwan
